For over many years, i reflected on what it means to "move on" from a past broken relationship. I've failed to create one with a girl i knew back in high school. I feel somewhat ashamed not being able to "move on" in the sense of putting the past behind me. Nevertheless, no matter how much i tried to erase the memory of her from my mind...i could not do it because that's not what moving on means to me. The pain that i felt when i couldn't date her is gone, but the memory still haunts me in a way which is why i refuse to go back to the same school where it happened. I still think about her, not remembering the troubles we had, but cherishing her and the special moments we shared.
Going back to a time when we had our own debates on the world, after one in particular, she had become offended by my line of reasoning and i noticed by her harsh tone of voice. The next day, as i sat down in front of her in a cafeteria, she suddenly said "..I'm sorry.." Surprised, i paused and asked "Why?" She looked very ashamed and confessed "...for being so brutal..." Why? Why apologize to me after a day when most would forget? I admired that about her because none of my friends have such a mentality and even more because i highly respect a person who doesn't fear to face the consequences of their actions.
This was before i had stronger passionate feelings for her. When i did, after i had confessed them to her and tried sending her a letter, she replied "..I wouldn't have replied anyway, but i feel obligated to give an explanation...you have been under the illusion that my refusal to date you was for a general reason...I'm just too young for you.." She tried to make it clear to me earlier. "Your too old..." she told me. How could i not have seen it? I was blind, overlooking age is a mere number. Why can't people past my appearance and recognize me for who i truly am? As a deeply spiritual human being, i had prayed to God for a vision of the future and became heavily disappointed. I saw both of us in parted ways within a gloomy darkness. At that moment, i had felt that it wasn't that God disapproved of the relationship, it was that our very different backgrounds would prevent us from dating. In truth, she gave me the reality and i couldn't accept it. I loved that quality of her very much because she sought reality and wisdom, never placing me above authority.
Nonetheless, i was angry to the point where i refused to attend the graduation ceremony, the time where i should've felt so much pride in my accomplishments and success. I was angry at the people who preached about achieving the "American Dream." An older man once told me "Education is there to help you spread your new ideas.." How dare he tell me that? The same people claiming to defend freedom of speech are the same people who tried to brainwash me to accepting their traditional idealism. They preach about individualism as if there was an endless number of possibilities as to who you could become, something that was obviously not true. I would've gone, regardless if she were my girlfriend or willingly rejected me, i simply wanted to someone to share my accomplishments with, but society as a whole stole that from me. I could probably imagine the principal and my teachers cheering me on as i rose to a quite high level of academic excellence, but if that is what success means, i want no part of it. I refused to be the individual wearing a cap and gown, smiling as i carry my diploma and shaking hands. After knowing that our relationship isn't even illegal and opposing my new ideas, now they want to talk to me about success? It's not selfish since they all did this for me right? If i am to fall in failure then let it be known that i'm the man who fought against an illusion of success perceived as reality. I walked into the school a few days later, took my diploma from a lonely office, and walked away.
In the end, moving on means not forgetting, but remembering the valuable moments that have happened and embracing the experiences that i gained. It means that i cherish every moment of it until there comes a day when i reach a point where i can let go as i am submerged within completely new experiences.
