How to be secure in your sexual orientation

Whether your straight, bisexual, lesbian, gay, pansexual, whatever - you've probably found yourself violating your own principles. You find yourself attracted to someone or something completely forbidden. Your afraid and begin to question if you ever were straight or gay in the first place. You begin to be afraid of what your parents, spouse, friends, and other family members would think of you. Slowly, you begin to fear the thought of changing your sexual orientation. You may hide self conflicting thoughts by celebrating your straight or LGBT pride, hoping that it will go away only to find that it doesn't. If you are insecure in regards to your sexuality, your not alone. Although i'm straight, i've struggled with all sorts of sexual desires namely other men. From experience, i'll share just a few tips on how to overcome this anxiety.


* Admit the problem - Admit that your attracted to whatever it is your trying to deny. Guys, it's ok to admit that your attracted to other guys. Girls, it's ok to admit that your attracted to other girls. Stop trying to hide it and pretend that it doesn't exist. The sooner you can be honest with yourself, the sooner you can find ways to resolve internal conflict.

* Realize sexual orientation is a choice - Being straight or LGBT is a choice. Just because you feel gay, doesn't make you so. You are of a sexual orientation by choice. While being "born that way" plays a role, your sexual choices determine who you ultimately are. Think about answering this question: Who do you plan on being in a relationship with a guy or girl, multiple people, etc.? When you find the answer within yourself, your one step closer to being secure in your sexuality.

* Attraction is temporary - Any "forbidden" attraction will eventually fade or be significantly reduced. Just because you have sexual fantasies in conflict with your sexual orientation, doesn't mean you'll act on them. Accept that it's a normal part of being human. Fantasize about whatever it is you deem a big no no. I know it seems scary and crazy, but it works. When you sexually fantasize on the things that you feel goes against your standards, you become less afraid knowing that it is only a fantasy. It has no power over you unless you grant it.

* Accept that questioning is normal - When we "come out" as gay or bisexual or any other orientation, we tend to think that our identity is already established. This is wrong. Your identity can never be established by one single incident. Coming out of the closet is only the beginning. You will face many problems namely doubt later in life. The beauty of it all is that you will never stop learning more about yourself, including your sexuality.

* Get support - It's normal to question and express yourself. If you have friends or family whom you identify with, talk to them about your feelings. If they condemn you for being a "phony" according to their politically correct standards, it's time to find others who'll accept you.

* Change your outlook on gender - If you struggle with a identity crisis, it's time to redefine your perceptions of who women and men are. No matter what, we are biologically hardwired to find people in general attractive. Society often tells us how men and women ought to behave and we adopt these ideas without realizing it. Stop looking to others for approval and look within yourself. You can compliment a person without having your masculinity or femininity threatened. Feel free to express your own individuality.

* Stop labeling yourself - Thinking "oh what if i was never gay in the first place? What if i was always straight?" only worsens the situation. When you try to diagnose yourself with a problem, your contributing to it. There is nothing wrong with you. You don't need to redefine yourself based on what a community outlines. You are your own unique person and so, you should embrace what makes you different.

Just because you find a certain someone attractive be it a lesbian, gay man, straight guy or gal, etc. doesn't make you any less of a person. We all have doubts about who we are but eventually we learn how to overcome our deepest fears. Take a breath of fresh air. Enjoy life when you see that you can have an unusual attraction, laugh it off, and continue being yourself.

Why the friendzone is the best place to be

We've all heard that the friend zone is the most terrible to be. If you get friendzoned, expect to be labeled a loser in need of advice. This is flat out wrong. Many people think of dating as if it were a game they play with all the right moves to achieve their goal. When they get "friend-zoned", they automatically think they did something wrong. This is an immature and naive mindset. Some people put others in the friendzone for many reasons. So many people fall in and out of destructive relationships because they don't understand the value of a friendship. Being friend-zoned has many benefits:

* You have time to know each other - When you have a crush on a person, you tend to forget about many things (their flaws, interests, etc.) You just rush in and date them, hoping for a successful relationship. If the relationship lacks comparability and understanding, the relationship is doomed. When your in the friend-zone, you have time to see who the person truly is.

* Your less likely to be fooled - Trying to date people at a bar or club isn't wise. You don't know what kind of person your getting into. They could be anyone: A sex offender, an abuser, a cheating spouse, a player, etc. By choosing the friend-zone, you choose to stay safe. People who intend to play you are less likely to stick around if you put them in the friend-zone. If you lose friends, it won't hurt as much as if it were a broken relationship.

* There's no pressure - When you like someone, you are pressured to turn him or her into a date. This can be very discouraging if you get rejected. By choosing the friendship route, you remove that pressure almost completely. You can continue to know that special person without having something to prove. If he or she loses attraction to you, it's not your fault. If you have a crush on someone, you can keep it a secret and no harm will be done. If you lose attraction, it's also not your fault. It simply means it was only a temporary crush.

* You have time to assess the person - When your in the friend-zone, you have time to decide whether or not you want to date a person. Furthermore, you have time to decide if your potential partners are worth-while friends. Are they honest? Are they trustworthy? Are they loyal? Or do they impatiently waiting for you to ask him or her out? People can be selfish so by weeding them out, you remove the negative people out of your life.

Long lasting attraction takes time to build so it might as well start in the friendship. The friendzone draws the focus away from the idea of love and into knowing a person. Many people don't understand the value of friendship hence why we have many failed relationships. People's expectations hurt them because they're only thinking of themselves. When we stop expecting people to go out with us, we free ourselves from the pain of rejection.

Don't get on your knees for a man/woman

In our society, we're obsessed with the idea of falling for a special someone. We crave the idea of having someone to live for. Someone to share our experiences with and someone waiting for us back home. Someone to kiss and give affection to. We desire the idea of love and accomplishing a successful relationship. We want to make the people we romantically love our everything. We want to reveal our every weakness to them and be weak in the knees for their love.

The problem is that we become weak, desperate, and crippled when we throw ourselves over them. Our reasoning becomes unstable, our emotions run wild, and our self control is diminished. We easily fall into delusion that there's hope of a beautiful romance till we're cut out of their lives before we know it. We're shut out of their minds and told that it was only a phase. Suddenly we're sitting in the dark corner of our minds asking "Why? What did i do to deserve this?" We're broken down and guilty. We drown in self pity and regrets.

This is how our failed relationships end up or at least for most people. We profess to our love "Your my everything!" but it's a lie. We all know very well we've had many ex-lovers/crushes whom we repeated the same lines. We still fantasize about that attractive person in our school, workplace, neighborhood, or any other place while being taken. We live for others like family and friends. We live for our passions, interests, and dreams. No lover can be your everything as it is impossible for someone to provide every need.

How do i know all this? Because i've experienced it. I've invested so much in girls only to end up with nothing. I've wasted so much time, energy, efforts, resources and i'll never get it back. When i let my desires overcome reason, i became weak. When we make someone perfect than they really are, we fall into an illusion that they can give us everything. They're just as lost and fallible as we are. Many hide it very well and use it to get what they want. Your existence goes on regardless of a girlfriend or boyfriend validating you.

With that in mind, never lose yourself in another human being. He or she just might be the one who betrays you sooner or later. You have so much to live for than a relationship. Don't surrender opportunities, freedom, and so many more things all for a lover. If someone really values your trust, he or she won't expect you to fall over like any other lover. He or she will walk by your side to accomplish the same dreams. There won't be any unequal balance between one or the other. Don't let a woman or man you fancy define you let alone dictate your life.

Why i'm against pre-marital sex

I had the need to write about this topic after many years of pondering on it. With changing attitudes in society, virginity has been shunned. It's seen as a tradition to be done away with. It's a religious dogma that teaches you to be enslaved to total abstinence for the rest of your life. Virginity is something to be feared and despised. However i reject these notions. I'm writing this to simply offer a new perspective that might inspire your decisions.

What is pre-marital sex? While many say it's sex before marriage, i define it as sex before commitment. This isn't just any commitment, it is a commitment to your partner and yourself. It's an accountability for all the consequences of your actions.

Thus, having sex before you are emotionally, physically, and mentally stable is unwise. Why? For many reasons i'll address after i delve into a few objections:

"Virginity is not important" - You may as well go a step further and say life is not important. Sex can be dangerous to your health and emotional well-being. This is YOUR body we're talking about. It should not be given away so casually and carelessly.

"Virginity is a stone age tradition that should be erased" - I can agree to some degree but not all traditions should be erased. Traditions are such an important of our lives whether it's celebrating the holidays, customs, festivals, religious observances, music, and so forth. Traditions bring human existence into life. It's what makes us who we are. Without them, life would be boring. Our ancient history would be erased. We would lose our identity in the face of technology if we abandoned traditions. Even if virginity is a tradition, it should still be valued.

"Virginity is a way for men to control women" - If that were true, it'd be very inconvenient for sexually hungry men. Virginity is not a way of oppression for women. It may seem as if parents, teachers, and others want to control you. I wouldn't be surprised if some did. However, never ignore the possibility that they're trying to do what's best for you. It can be very easy for pride to get in the way of sound judgment.

"Everyone's having pre-marital sex" - If you base your actions on popularity, your going to be very disappointed. How do you know everyone is having pre-marital sex? Have you talked to every single person on earth? No. You may think that something is wrong with you because sex is so popular but your the one putting that image in your head. When you stop allowing yourself to be defined by the norm, you come to your own individuality. Even if everyone's having sex, so what? You make your own decisions. You control your own life, not others.

"Pre-marital sex will make you more mature" - This is based on an immature understanding of maturity. Having sex in general will not make you more or less of a person. It's your motives behind it. There are many people who stated that sex was nothing more than a biological function. Maturity is based on making wise choices that are best for you. Maturity means taking responsibility for your actions and living by your values. This cannot be achieved only by how many people you've slept with.

"If i have more experience, i'll have better sex with my partner" - This reasoning is bound to hurt you when you realize your setting yourself up for a conditional temporal love. Someone who deeply loves you will not care about experience, but about your love. Yes you can choose to get "experience" by having many sexual partners before you settle down for the right. However no amount of experience can overcome the power of love, trust, and acceptance of a couple who chooses to experience sex together. When you choose to experience sex with many partners, you have chosen them over your life-long mate. It may be fine if your mate comes to accept your past but the consequence is still there. By choosing to be highly experienced, you wind up alone because you'll be one step ahead of your partner.  

Now why am i against pre-marital sex?

The consequences - As many have already mentioned, the cons of pre-marital sex are STD's, pregnancy, but also emotional scars. While birth control may help prevent the spread of STD's, it won't protect you against the emotional side effects. While some people can handle pre-marital sex under certain circumstances, others can't. People may feel guilty for having sex with a partner whom they thought loved them only to be used. They may resent themselves for giving their body to someone who held little value over them. There eventually comes a point where the doctors can only do so much for you. Your first time can make sex such an amazing experience or it can shape it in a negative light.

Lack of maturity - Many people do not understand the meaning of sex. Sex isn't a game or a tool for manipulation. It's not something that should be had simply because your insecure about who you are. I know when i was young, i had very immature views on love and relationships. My expectations changed but this came from many experiences. When you can humbly admit to yourself that you are not ready for sex, you are ready to receive true wisdom.

In conclusion, you shouldn't be in a rush to give up your virginity so soon. Life is full of so much more than sex. Take your time in experiencing your interests, passions, values, beliefs, and yourself. Sex ought to be experienced when both partners are committed to the well-being of one another.

Why singleness is underrated

In this society, singleness is a disease. It's a horrid curse. If you are single, you are automatically ostracized, teased, and shamed. Despite what people think, singleness is not what others believe. Being single, i found certain falsehoods on singles:

"Singleness means your alone"

Singles value friends and family. Just because someone is single, doesn't mean he or she is alone. When someone believes that because he or she lacks a relationship and is lonely as a result, he or she believes in a lie.

"Singleness means you know nothing about love"

Singles love their families and friends. There are many forms of love. The love for friends and family are just as powerful as the love for a mate.

"Singleness means you can't get dates"

While that might be true for some with inner conflicts, it doesn't represent all singles. Some are just too preoccupied with their lives (career, passions, goals, etc.) to be focused on relationships. Some see themselves as too good for them anyways.

That being said, i find that singles are generally more attractive than married people. Why?

Singles are independent - While some singles don't realize this, others do. They don't need a boyfriend/girlfriend to validate them as a person. They influence their own judgments, thoughts, decisions, behavior, and life without having a lover on their back. They have so much to live for than just a relationship.

Singles are available - When someone has a bf/gf, many people loss interest. This can be due to morals, lovers, and many other reasons. Singles are attractive because they're available. When it comes to singles, many people are in competition against each other. Singles looking for a relationship can be selective on who they date.

Singles aren't as vulnerable as couples - Singles don't have to worry about commitment or problems common in relationships. Singles don't have to worry about losing their partner. When you emotionally and financially invest in another person, you become vulnerable. Frustration, jealousy, anger, sadness, and other feelings are the result of that vulnerability.

Singles have total unrestrained freedom - If you get in a relationship, you lose alot of freedom. You can no longer choose to go out with your friends because you must spend time with your lover. You can't talk to the opposite sex like you used to. You may have to give up your favorite hobbies or interests. You must always make time and sacrifices for your significant other. You may not even be able to live your former life. Singles don't need to deal with all of this. They can live their lives in any way they wish without having to worry about putting someone else in their schedules.

Singles can do more for the world than couples - I'm an artist and a writer with alot of ambitions. I have alot of goals and made many interesting accomplishments. I could not have accomplished if i had to worry about a partner. There are many singles who have contributed so much to the world but go unrecognized compared to couples.  

In summary, being single is not a curse only when one believes it to be so. Being single has many benefits as opposed to a relationship. Nevertheless, many people in our society see singleness as something to lose than gain. Singles have alot of power and potential than they realize. Singleness is something to celebrate. If more people embraced singleness then we would have less problems with self esteem and insecurities. Singleness can be a means of achieving confidence.

how to impress a guy

It's common for some girls to work very hard to make themselves skinny in order to be considered beautiful. Ironically, lots of guys don't find that attractive. When we see a skinny girl who's obsessed over her weight, it's a turn off because she's not confident. Honestly, it's thick women who make guys turn their heads, not the skinny ones. Skinny stops being beautiful when the girl becomes a bag of bones. Studies show that what girls think guys want isn't what guys truly want. In a girl's mind, she might think “Oh my gosh! I'm getting fat! I can't let my guy see me pig out! He'll think i'm a slob!” when guys don't care. We don't care if girls have make up or none, if they're in their pj's or not, etc. What attracts us is when girls are comfortable being themselves.

Turn off: When a girl feels she needs to “act cool” around a cool guy so she says “What's up dude? What's crackin' man?” Guys know that your scared.

Turn on: When a girl isn't afraid of her femininity and individuality. She has her own style of communicating.

Turn off: When a girl thinks that by being serious, she's being attractive. It's intimidating because it shows your uptight and closed.

Turn on: When a girl laughs at my jokes and has her own unique sense of humor. Playfulness is attractive because you can brighten anyone's day.  

Why players get nowhere

I've noticed it's usually the men who are players. They may think they've fooled girls, but they never have. Those who have to get girls to feel good about themselves are the ones who are insecure in their identity. Those who boast “yea! Look bro! I got that girl's number! I got her fooled!” are in danger. I've played that game before and learned that it leads nowhere in the end.

Your start off with the smooth sweet talk, original lines, smiles, charm, actions, and don't get me wrong, it usually sparks attraction for some time however women are smarter and than you think. Their intuition can be very sharp. They know what you want without you telling them. Once you think that your skills can control a girl, you've already fooled yourself because it's actually you who are controlled by the girl. When she starts questioning you and dropping hints, she's feeding your ego. Your then drugged with pleasure and keeping wanting more. Soon as you start saying “aww come on baby, gimme more...”, consider yourself desperate and a beggar. When she stops giving you what you want then your left with a destroyed ego.

If you haven't been rejected yet then the girl will eventually want to get serious. She'll want to know why you like her and what you really want. She'll want to see your real self, both the good and bad. She'll want honesty and to see your vulnerabilities. There's no point in hiding them, so it's better to submit to her demands. If your going to admit what you want, do it with style. 

Girl: “..I know what you want, your not fooling me. Your interested in me and want to know if there's a chance..”

Guy: “...well you got me nailed haha..i'm head over heels for you and i admit it, but hopefully after your done testing me, you can give me a chance. If i get rejected, i'll accept it with humility, but you never know if i might be worth it in the end charming smile”

Players want to be the ones in control and they seem to have it all: The looks, a car, independence, money, a great job, nice clothes, etc. They may even brag about having sex with virgins but i noticed a pattern. These girls are inexperienced and weak-minded. They will never dare target a strong woman on their level. They're intimidated by women who call them out on their flaws and aren't fooled. Real women don't need men because they are secure in themselves.

I'm young and have alot of flaws, but i'm not afraid of a strong woman. I want her to test me. I will be real with what i want and if i'm wrong, i will humbly admit it. In fact, i want her to call me out because it's a huge chance to improve. They want the fun and games, but they're afraid of getting serious which is why they will always lose. I admit there are better men than me out there. They're stronger, smarter, richer, and more talented than me.